Free-Ass. Press Podcast

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Oprah Gains Weight Eating Her Own Ratings

February 20th, 2009

Oprah Winfrey, the daytime queen of talk and weight loss minus the weight loss, has gained the weight back again.

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TV Goes Digital; Playboy Channel Still Fuzzy

February 18th, 2009

14-year-old boys all over America are outraged that the Playboy channel still comes in fuzzy.

Optimists File For Chapter 11 Bankruptcy

February 16th, 2009

Optimist International, commonly known as the Optimists, has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection.

State-of-the-Art Presidential Limo Boasts a Top Speed of 3

February 13th, 2009

GM unveiled its largest, heaviest, most-polluting, least fuel-efficient vehicle ever to hit American roadways.

Condi Rice Publishes Memoir:

February 11th, 2009

Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has announced the publication of her new tell-all memoir, "I'm Black Too, Ya Know!"

Afghanistan Cancels “Take Your Child To Work” Day

February 9th, 2009

"Take Your Child To Work Day" has been canceled in Afghanistan due to weather.

For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.

Obama Cancels Black History Month

February 6th, 2009

In yet another sign of the continuing economic crisis, President Barack Obama has canceled Black History Month for lack of funds.

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VP Biden’s Schedule Packed With Meaningless Busy Work

February 4th, 2009

VP Biden's schedule is so packed with meaningless busywork that he is having trouble keeping up.

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Jimmy John’s Now Charging For Free Smells

February 2nd, 2009

In another sign of the deepening economic recession Jimmy John's, the beloved sub sandwich shop that used to offer "Free Smells," will start charging $1 for them effective immediately.

For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.

Astronauts Hardest Hit By High Gas Prices

January 30th, 2009

With fuel prices in the U.S. now averaging four dollars per gallon, no one has been harder hit than NASA astronauts. To lessen that impact, NASA has announced that it will now allow its non-essential astronauts to telecommute.

For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.

Study: 70% of American Dental Association Employees Have F***ed Up Teeth

January 29th, 2009

According to a new study by the Center for Popular Hypocrisy, 70 percent of American Dental Association workers have "f***ed-up teeth."

For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.

$3 Billion in Folger’s Stock Secretly Replaced With Smucker’s Stock

January 28th, 2009

The hostile takeover was a surprise to Folgers executives, who only found out about the sale after an English gentleman told them that he had secretly replaced the fine Procter & Gamble stock they usually hold with J.M. Smucker's stock.

For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.

Big Bird Arrested for DUI

January 27th, 2009

Big Bird, the well-known actor and bird, was arrested for driving under the influence this morning at the corner of Sesame Street and Steampipe Alley, just blocks from The Electric Company.

For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.

US Treasury To Offer Federal Reserve Rewards Mastercard

January 26th, 2009

The federal government has begun mass-mailing preapproved offers for its new Federal Reserve Rewards MasterCard.

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INDY 500 Drivers Upset; Gas Prices Rose 3 Times During Race

January 23rd, 2009

The 33 drivers participating in last Sunday's Indianapolis 500 were distracted by sky-high gas prices, which rose three times during the race, causing several crashes.

For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.

Dollar Store Requests $1 Bailout

January 22nd, 2009

Dollar Stores, International asked Congress today for 1/700,000,000,000th of the federal bailout funds.

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Homeland Security Deports Rock Band “Foreigner”

January 21st, 2009

The U.S. Department of Homeland Security begins formal deportation proceedings against the 1970s rock band Foreigner.

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God Blames Pat Robertson for String of Violent Storms

January 20th, 2009

After the upper Midwest and Plains states received a lashing of violent storms, God blames Pat Robertson.

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Six Flags to Open “F***ing Awesome America” Theme Park in Middle East

January 19th, 2009

Theme Park Conglomerate Six Flags, is set to open the Middle East's first theme park titled "Six Flags F***ing Awesome American Invading Dubai."

For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.

US Makes Final Offer For Iran Talks: 700 Anytime Minutes

January 16th, 2009

In a renewed effort to get stalled talks moving forward again with Iran, the United States is offering Iran its best and final plan: 700 anytime minutes.

For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.